


my feelings aren't for decoration

by junhao



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Fluff, Growing Up Together, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Secrets, happy soonie day!, smattering of side pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 07:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14929578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junhao/pseuds/junhao
Summary: the five times soonchan share a secret and the one time there are no more secrets to tell.





	my feelings aren't for decoration

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonminghao](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonminghao/gifts).



> happy birthday, soonie!! here's some fluffy soonchan to celebrate this blessed day of our prince!!
> 
> also gifted to eliza bc she deserves all the soonchan out there!! and title taken from shinee's you & i (goodbye) which still makes me cry every time i listen to it. i wrote this,,,like today. so excuse any typos pls!
> 
> cross-posted on tumblr [here](http://junhaoclub.tumblr.com/post/174897458609/my-feelings-arent-for-decoration)

**1**

 

Soonyoung is seven and Chan is four when Soonyoung realizes he won't be able to get rid of him so easily.

Chan is clumsy, skidding into anything that could possibly trip him up, and it was endearing at first. But Soonyoung's a big boy and he doesn't want to play with a baby anymore.

Of course, he knows he should be kind to their neighbors, but Chan's been following him around all afternoon while their mothers talk in the kitchen and Soonyoung is quite bored. Chan smiles after him, face round with baby fat and his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.

The baby's pretty cute, but Soonyoung's cheeks are rounder and softer and the aunties at the supermarket like to pinch his cheeks a lot more often than they do Chan's.

So Soonyoung's confident that he's cuter. He's also bigger and stronger  _and_ smarter too so it shouldn't even be that much of a problem to shake this baby loose.

Soonyoung already has a plan in motion too, a brilliant one if you ask him, but before he can even start to carry it out, Chan is tugging on his sleeve.

He turns to face him, not trying to hide his annoyance at all. Chan smiles wide at him despite that, hands sticky with what Soonyoung hopes is candy when he finally lets go of Soonyoung's sleeve.

"I have a secret," Chan whispers, his eyes opening big and reminding Soonyoung of his favorite Saturday morning cartoon.

Soonyoung rolls his eyes and sighs, putting his hands on his hips. "And are you going to tell me it?"

Chan giggles, the sound high-pitched and angelic in a way that Soonyoung would never ever admit to. "Say please."

His lips form into a pout, too tired of this baby already, but Soonyoung huffs out a breath and furrows his brows, trying to look mean. "Please tell me your secret."

A sticky hand grabs his sleeve again, pulling him down until Chan can cup his other hand around Soonyoung's ear. Soonyoung frowns but goes willingly thinking the sooner he gets this over with, the sooner he can start following his plan and ditch this baby. Hopefully, Jihoon is home, otherwise, Soonyoung's mom will never let him cross the street to escape Chan.

Chan's breath is warm against his ear and Soonyoung stills, not liking how close they are now. Chan only laughs again, that bright baby laugh Soonyoung wishes he hated.

"I think you're nice, hyung. Thank you for playing with me. I don't have any friends to play with."

Soonyoung blinks, his face feeling warm and leans away from the four-year-old, too embarrassed to say anything as Chan grips onto his sleeve even harder before leading them back towards the living room. Soonyoung follows dutifully after him, unwilling to run away now that Chan has shared a secret like that with him.

 

 

**2**

 

Chan is seven when his mother tells Soonyoung that he doesn't want to play outside for the day because he doesn't feel well. Soonyoung asks if he can still play with him  _inside_ and that's how they end up playing video games in Chan's room.

Soonyoung focuses on their game, unwilling to break the heavy silence that has fallen upon them. Usually, Soonyoung can never shut up. It drives his mom crazy, drives the teachers crazy and most of his own friends too. It's never once bothered Chan though.

Chan is frigid and stiff, shoulders set in a way Soonyoung never thought they'd be able to. Chan is all soft curves and smiles, not hard lines and clenched jaws. Soonyoung just doesn't get it.

Soonyoung sets his controller aside after the fifth time Chan has beaten him, too frustrated to keep playing anymore and it's only when Chan leans over to turn off the system that he catches a glimpse of the bruise on Chan's hips.

He's never been one prone to violence. Soonyoung can't even kill a fly, how could he ever raise his fists to another human being?

Violence is pointless to him, but right now, with a dark yellow bruise stretched across Chan's hips, Soonyoung wants to hit whoever hurt his friend.

"Chan." Soonyoung's voice is quiet, practically alien considering that he's never been one to be quiet, not even in the movie theatres. "Why are your hips bruised?"

Chan freezes, not daring to look at Soonyoung as his hand presses to the exposed bit of skin his shirt is revealing. He sits back, his shirt falling back down to hide the bruise, but it's pointless really. Soonyoung's seen it and the damage is already done.

Soonyoung watches him gulp, not knowing what to do at all as he waits for Chan to say something - say anything really.

"It's a secret, hyung."

"Is it really?" Soonyoung's chest hurts.

Chan only shrugs, pulling his hand out of his shirt as he stares at the blank tv screen. "Yeah."

"Aren't we best friends though? Don't best friends tell each other their secrets?" Soonyoung shoots back, hands curling into fists when Chan still won't look at him.

He hangs his head, eyes set on his knees now. "We are, but you'll get mad, hyung. I don't want you to get mad because then you'll get hurt and I don't want you to get hurt either."

"I don't want you to get hurt either, Channie," Soonyoung responds immediately, lips set into a firm line that feels weird on his face. "If I promise not to get mad, will you tell me the secret?"

Chan bites his lip, thinking it over. Soonyoung forces himself to calm down because if he already looks mad, then Chan won't tell him anything - promise or not. He unfurls his fists and breathes out, steady and slow, using most of his willpower just to get that much. Chan shifts in front of him, eyes closed as he holds his pinky out to Soonyoung.

"Pink promise you won't get mad and I'll tell you."

Soonyoung wraps his pinky around Chan's without hesitation, wanting to know how - and possibly why - his best friend is getting bruises.

Chan lets out a deep breath as they let their hands fall, but keep their pinkies linked. His eyes are still closed and his shoulders aren't as stiff anymore, but that does nothing to ease Soonyoung's worries.

"Today at recess, I was trying to use the bathroom, but one of the older kids was standing outside the door and wouldn't let anyone in unless they paid him. When I wouldn't give him any money," Chan pauses there, biting his lip again before he opens his eyes and breathes out, meeting Soonyoung's gaze as he continues. "He punched me and told me to go cry to my mommy like the baby I am."

Soonyoung's always thought violence was pointless, never saw the reasoning behind it as valid. He has no idea why people like to settle things with their fists instead of their words, but now, he thinks he might be starting to get it.

Of course, he doesn't show how mad he is. He keeps that close in his chest, letting the anger, the indignation of it all fester as they read comic books for the rest of day. Lets it grow when he ruffles Chan's hair goodbye and goes home for dinner, mumbling angrily to himself at the table while his mother and father eye him with worry. He lets it all manifest in his dream that night, which is much more violent than usual.

Soonyoung raises the heat and watches the anger boil like water in a pot when recess comes the next day and Soonyoung marches towards the bathroom. He finds the kid other boys from Chan's grade pointed out and strides over to him, his veins singing with rage.

The anger boils over when he punches the kid from a grade above him in the face while all the boys in Chan's grade cheer and run into the bathroom, giggling wildly.

He's dragged to the principal's office where the older boy is clutching an ice pack to his face, crying, but Soonyoung doesn't feel sorry at all. Chan's smile and soft fingertips when he comes over later that day are enough for Soonyoung now that he's suspended from school for a week and grounded for two months.

 

 

**3**

 

Chan's only ten now, but it feels like Soonyoung's looking into the eyes of an adult when he meets the younger boy's gaze.

It's been pressing down on for awhile and Soonyoung wanted to say something earlier, wanted it all out there because they're best friends, but he held off. He was too scared to do it before, much too scared when it came to Chan.

Chan knows he has a secret, a big one. He won't press Soonyoung about it until he's ready to share though. Soonyoung's grateful for that, but the weight of it feels like it's slowly killing him. He needs to tell someone.

Who better than his best friend? 

Soonyoung steadies his breath and exhales slowly, never once taking his eyes off Chan's. Chan waits patiently, hands gripping his knees as they sit on the floor of Soonyoung's bedroom.

Soonyoung was finishing up his homework when Chan walked in, never bothering with the doorbell again after Soonyoung's mother told him that he is family and didn't have to knock to enter anymore. Of course, Chan's mother told Soonyoung the same thing two years prior, but it's polite to knock first and Soonyoung's mother would knock him upside the head if he didn't use the manners she instilled into him. Chan sat down in the beanie bag near Soonyoung's closet and waited until the elder was done packing his homework away before Soonyoung decided this would be as good of a chance as any to finally tell Chan.

He made sure his door was locked and sat them down in the middle of the empty bit of space on the floor, knees almost brushing until Soonyoung pulled his legs up into his chest and wrapped his arms around his calves. His chin is resting on his knees now and it isn't the most comfortable position, but it makes him feel safe and for what he's about to say, he needs a little bit of security right now.

Chan isn't smiling, just studying him, waiting and in a split second, Soonyoung decides to take that leap of faith.

"Channie, I have a secret I've been wanting to tell you," Soonyoung starts with, his voice the quietest he's ever heard it in his life. He's terrified of saying it aloud, no matter how true it is, but this is his best friend. This is sweet, helpful Chan who was too stubborn to let Soonyoung and their possible friendship slip through his sticky fingers when he was only four years old. This is Chan and Soonyoung takes in a deep breath before he admits, "I like boys."

Soonyoung waits as Chan takes it in, still holding his gaze. Chan's brow is furrowed and his eyes narrow the teeniest bit, but it isn't in a hostile way. It's the look he gets when he's thinking something over, turning it over and over in his head until he gets it. Soonyoung's able to recognize the confusion swirling about in the back of Chan's head almost immediately and he sighs, scooting a little closer.

"I like boys, Channie.  _Like_ like them," Soonyoung explains.

Understanding flashes through Chan's eyes then and he blinks, tilting his head to the side while a smile slowly spreads across his lips. Chan and Soonyoung were both present when two older kids shoved another teenager at the park who was holding hands with his "friend" a couple weeks ago, so Soonyoung knows that Chan gets what he's saying now. Soonyoung almost feels like crying when Chan holds out his arms and Soonyoung goes without thinking, curling himself into the younger boy's much smaller body.

"Thank you for telling me," Chan says because he's young and he might not get exactly  _why_ this is a big deal yet, but he isn't stupid either and this is his best friend, his hyung. The same hyung who punched an older kid in the face for him, who brought him his homework when he was sick for a week, who gave him a piggyback ride at the carnival one summer when Chan's feet hurt too much to keep walking. This is his best friend. "Love you hyung."

It's Soonyoung and that's all there is to it.

Soonyoung sniffles, pushing his face into Chan's t-shirt so his voice comes out muffled when he murmurs, "L-Love you too, Channie. Thank you."

 

 

**4**

 

It's when Soonyoung is almost eighteen, on the brink of graduating, that Chan looks into his eyes, grasps his hands, and shares another secret with him.

They're in high school and their friendship is as strong as ever, but Soonyoung's got the sense that there's been something on the tip of Chan's tongue whenever they're alone together for a while now. He doesn't know what it may be, doesn't know why it's so hard for Chan to tell him.

This part of the library is empty, almost no one here this late. It's about to close and Soonyoung knows they should be packing their books up, but Chan's staring at him, a hint of fear in his eyes and Soonyoung stays still. He holds out his hand and Chan takes it, grip tight, palm sweaty.

Chan winds himself up to speak, eyelashes fluttering and looking the closest to tears that Soonyoung's ever seen him, but he only lays his other hand over Chan's. He rubs his thumb over the back of Chan's hand to soothe him and breathes in relief when Chan's shoulders relax. He breathes out a heavy breath and Soonyoung watches him as he physically gathers the courage to say what he needs to say.

"I think I like boys too."

"Oh," Soonyoung's lips pop open in surprise.

"You're not sure?" He ventures to ask when Chan's lip press into a firm line.

Chan sighs and shakes his head, shoulders too stiff for Soonyoung's liking again. "No, I-I mean. I am sure. I know...I know I like boys." 

And Soonyoung only smiles, stands up from his chair, and comes across the table to hug his best friend. "Of course you do, Channie. Of course, you do."

Chan doesn't cry. Soonyoung knows all the warning signs for that, but the younger doesn't cry. He only leans into Soonyoung's embrace and rests his forehead on his chest, feeling lighter than he ever has in a long, long time.

"Thank you," Chan breathes out against his chest, trembling the teeniest bit in his seat.

Soonyoung smooths his hair down and leans down until he can kiss the top of his head. "Love you, Channie."

"Love you too, hyung."

 

 

**5**

 

Chan's twenty now. Twenty and gorgeous.

He's always been gorgeous really, it's just that now Soonyoung has taken notice of  _how_ gorgeous his best friend really is.

Soonyoung's been watching him. At the frat parties, at their recitals, at lunch. Any chance he gets, Soonyoung watches.

He doesn't know if Chan has noticed, but more than once, Soonyoung has caught him staring back.

Of course, all their friends know. Especially Jihoon who held Soonyoung as he cried after Chan told them about his first boyfriend.

Hansol was a sweet kid, is still a sweet kid really, but Soonyoung hasn't completely forgiven him for breaking Chan's heart only a few months after they started dating. Of course, it's not like Chan's angry at him (nor is he mad at Seungkwan either, but Soonyoung still thinks there's a bit of bitterness in his tone whenever he speaks of it). He told them no hard feelings and likes that they're happy together. It's been a year now and Chan's only gotten more beautiful and more mature since then.

They're in Soonyoung's apartment at the moment, the one he shares with Wonwoo, Jihoon and Jihoon's boyfriend, Junhui. Chan's head is in his lap, watching the tv while Soonyoung runs his hands through his hair and watches him instead.

Classes are over now. They just celebrated Junhui's birthday a few days ago and Soonyoung is still reeling from walking into the kitchen only to see the threeway makeout session between Jihoon, Junhui, and Minghao, but it's none of his business if his friends want to hook up with someone else while they're together. That's their business and Soonyoung's learned the hard way already to stay the hell out of it.

Soonyoung's birthday is only a few minutes away now, but the party isn't until later and Wonwoo's over at Seokmin's place right now while Junhui and Jihoon are off somewhere with Minghao. He knows at the stroke of midnight his phone will blow up with notifications that are birthday wishes from his friends, embarrassing photos of him that Jeonghan will post, and then Seungcheol and Jisoo who will apologize for the photos, but laugh about them anyway over facetime with Soonyoung. 

He knows what's coming, but right now, he just wants to enjoy this quiet moment with Chan.

Chan shifts in his lap and Soonyoung watches him, smiling when the younger turns so he's able to look up at him instead of the tv. Chan is just so beautiful, so sweet and soft that Soonyoung always wants to hold him close. They're best friends and maybe Soonyoung has always liked Chan more than he should, but now that they're adults, now that they're older, Soonyoung's sure of the fact that in his heart, there will only ever be room for Chan. 

Soonyoung's heart beats in his ears and his fingers are trembling. His mouth opens of its own accord and Soonyoung never intended to share this secret, never even played with the idea of telling Chan, but there's no stopping him now.

"I'm in love with you."

Chan freezes in his lap, eyes wide and Soonyoung's sure he's fucked everything up. His eyes feel wet and the tears only spill over when Chan's eyes sparkle with unshed tears too. Soonyoung wipes pitifully at his face, sniffling as Chan sits up and straddles his lap. He grips Soonyoung's face and squishes his cheeks, smiling at him as his own tears trail down his face as well.

Soonyoung doesn't know what's going on anymore, but then Chan's there, pressing his forehead to Soonyoung's as they cry and Soonyoung stops wiping at his tears, knowing that Chan wants to say something equally as important.

"I think I am too," Chan whispers, chuckling under his breath when Soonyoung's breath hitches with a laugh of his own.

Chan leans in and then they're kissing, lips wet with tears and saliva that Soonyoung should find this gross. But he can't.

Not when it comes to Chan. Chan who's always been there, who's always admired him.

Chan who's always loved him, just as Soonyoung has always loved him.

 

 

**+1**

 

They wake up slow and steady, everything soft.

Soonyoung can still remember the day before. The ceremony, their family and friends crying,  _Soonyoung's_  own crying, and Chan crying when they said their vows. The cake was spectacular and Soonyoung watched happily as Jihoon circled the dance floor with both Junhui and Minghao, Seokmin tried leading Wonwoo no matter how often he stepped on his toes, Jeonghan grinded on Jisoo who was laughing and grinding on Seungcheol in turn, and Hansol and Seungkwan who only joined the dancefloor after Mingyu roped them into it. Everyone in their group of friends is well over thirty now, but last night, they acted like they did in college all over again.

It was definitely fun, but the part that was the most fun was when Soonyoung and Chan made it into their hotel room, ripping at each other's clothes until Chan was pinned underneath him, toes curling and whines caught in his throat. Soonyoung kissed him like no tomorrow, laughing when Chan switched their positions and rendered him breathless.

The morning always brings new things and on this morning, Soonyoung wakes up spooning his newly-declared husband who is already awake.

Soonyoung hums under his breath as he tightens his grip and pulls himself closer, happy and content.

"Is there anything you want to say?" Chan asks, suddenly, his voice soft and throaty in that way it gets when he's had a good night's sleep.

Soonyoung shifts in the bed, nuzzling his face into Chan's nape. "Nope. Just that I love you, dear husband of mine."

Chan laughs, throaty and low, pressing himself closer to Soonyoung and laying his hand over the elder's, their new gold rings glinting in the sunlight slanting through the blinds of their hotel room's window. "I love you too, hyung."

Soonyoung smiles and presses a kiss to his neck, loving the way his husband's breath hitches.

He shifts them around until Chan is straddling his waist. Soonyoung bucks his hips up and they both become lost, naked bodies moving of their own accord as Chan loves Soonyoung and Soonyoung loves Chan right back.

There is nothing to hide right now, not when Chan is staring at him with so much love in his eyes and Soonyoung only hopes that his own eyes can express that same amount of love too.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! you can yell at me on [tumblr](http://junhaoclub.tumblr.com)!


End file.
